It became plain to me that what the survivors were asking for but didn’t feel like they were getting is exactly in the formula we use for an apology. They were asking for their emotions to be noticed, they were asking for an apology and they were asking for it to be fixed. And I would say they were hopeful of some compensation. (not always a money thing)

The fact is that if people don’t feel respected then they become resentful and that resentment in any instance would be like a stick of dynamite waiting to go off. One of the perceived problems with apologising of course is the over litigious society we live in.

An apology could be taken as an admission of personal guilt or even weakness. We teach to respect the law at all times but I will tell our students never to give a statement to anyone collecting facts for possible prosecution unless you have someone smarter than you there. A wrong word recorded can take a lot of work to undo in the legal system. Be polite and helpful but don’t give a statement.

Same as if you bump into someone’s car with your car. You might be told not to apologise for the same reason. Despite all this we can still work on how we frame an apology so that it doesn’t corner us and offers some comfort to a person we may or may not have done a wrong to. It is a higher skill but one worth perfecting. You can bypass a lot of pain if you treat people with respect and allow them to feel heard and acknowledged.

So what is our formulae for making an apology?

 

Lets say we bumped a’ drink out of someone’s hand while waiting in line.

Firstly you must say sorry.

Next State what happened- be honest. ( There wasn’t enough room and I accidentally bumped you)

Next Identify with their emotion. ( You must be disappointed)

Offer to fix it (Let me clean up the mess)

and here is the important one – Offer compensation- (Let me get you another)

 

For kids we would teach them something like this:

Say they didn’t clean their room when asked but decided to play instead.

Firstly you must say sorry.

Next State what happened – be honest. ( I came in to clean my room but didn’t feel like it so I played with my toys instead)

Next Identify with their emotion. ( I bet your angry with me)

Offer to fix it (Is it ok for me to clean up my room quickly right now)

and here is the important one – Offer compensation- (and by the way how about I do the dishwasher tonight)

 

Most people in the world are reasonable and understand mistakes but when people don’t take responsibility for their actions they quickly feel hurt and seek punishment.

Every situation is different but if you enter with the right attitude you have a better chance of solving the conflict.